Barbara and Phil Yoakum, Los Angeles, California, don’t see much of one another during the week. Their time is consumed by work--she is a travel agent; he owns a pro shop in a bowling center--and caring for their 2-year-old son, Matthew. “We pass each other in the morning,” Barbara reports. “By the time we hook up again at night, we’re dealing with Matthew and then crashing into bed.”

Ah, but there is always the weekend, right? Well, not exactly. Phil works on Saturdays, leaving Sundays free and clear -- in theory. “What usually happens is that Phil takes Matthew out somewhere so I can do all the stuff that doesn’t get done during the week,” Barbara admits.

“I want my wife back,” Phil adds with a sigh. “I miss all the time we used to have together.”

It’s one of the great ironies of coupledom: We get married to build a life with the one we love, only to discover that the life we’ve built is so demanding, we spend less time together as spouses than when we were merely dating. According to a study by Reed Larson, Ph.D., professor of human and community development, University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign, the average couple spends only 19 minutes a day talking to each other. When Dr. Larson looked at times the couple conversed alone (that is without kids, relatives or friends present), the average figure dropped to seven minutes a day.

So, how do you get your marriage back at the top of your “to-do” lit--or at least on par with the laundry?

We’re not going to give you the standard, hackneyed advice about getting dressed up and “dating your mate” every Saturday night. (The idea here is to relieve you of some of your obligations, not add to them!) Rather, we have a few low-impact suggestions for freeing up time to devote to your partner.

Make room for brief encounters.

Many couples today have what some sociologists call a “weekend marriage.” In other words, having given up on the possibility of time together during the week, they put everything off until the weekend, which more often than not gets eaten up by errands. Yet even the busiest couples can unearth everyday opportunities to create brief, loving encounters. “These small moments foster a genuine intimacy with your spouse,” says Wayne M. Sotile, Ph.D., co-author of Beat Stress Together (Wiley, 1999).

Suzanne and Gary Falgione, of Indiana, Pennsylvania, for instance,shower together every morning. “It’s a really good place to have a conversation without anybody bothering you,” says the mother of three.

As for sex, quit playing the weekend catchup. A lot of couples take a pass during the week in the misguided belief that they’ll be more relaxed when Saturday and Sunday roll around. But it rarely works that way. So instead of crashing into bed at midnight, when you’re too drained even to contemplate touching, drop your other duties once or twice a week and go to bed as soon as the kids do. This will allow you to de-stress enough to bring back that loving feeling.

Stop putting your life on hold.

“Things are crazy right now, but once we get past the school auction and the sales conference, we’ll have time for each other.” Sound familiar? This is how Mary and Chad Collins, of Dallas, used to approach their life -- before they realized that there was always something new to “get past,” and that, as Mary puts it, “if we didn’t make time for ourselves right now, there never would be time.

Accept that your life is not going to become any less hectic -- at least until the kids go away to college -- and that the perfect “couple time” you’re hoping for will never materialize. Instead, commit to carving out whatever spare minutes and hours you can.

The Collinses, for example, now stay up a half hour later at night just to chat, relax and snuggle with each other. “It brings us closer,” Mary says, “even when we’re so exhausted we can barely talk.”

Don’t let work invade family time.

“Between cell phones, faxes and e-mail, the opportunities for work to encroach on our personal lives have exploded in the past few years,” reports Susan Ginsberg, Ed.D., editor and publisher of Work & Family Life, a national newsletter geared toward helping people balance their job and personal responsibilities. “You have to put limits on your availability.”

“I could stay at work until midnight and still not get everything done that needs to get done,” acknowledges book publisher Gina Centrello, of Briarcliff Manor, New York. Early in her marriage, Centrello and her husband, attorney Richard Constantine, determined that their work would not invade their personal life. Both leave the office at a reasonable hour, and, once home, spend uninterrupted time with each other and their two children. “Because most jobs will grow to any size you allow them to, you need to draw boundaries,” Centrello says.

Once you’ve resisted the temptations of work, go a step further: Turn off the television and the cell phones, stay offline, and let the answering machine do its job. You’ll be amazed at how much time you can reclaim by simply silencing your gadgets.

Forget about doing it all.

Do yourself a favor and start shooting for “good enough” instead of “best.” Store-bought cookies for your child’s school bake sale will sell just as well as homemade ones. Your family will be just as happy with Chinese take-out as with a home-cooked meal.

“Assess your priorities. Is it more important that you spend some time with your spouse or to have a perfectly clean house?” asks Dorothy Cantor, Psy. D., a former president, American Psychological Association. “If you think that you have to know everything, do everything, and be the best at everything, you’ll drive yourself to distraction.”

Delegate to your kids, then let go.

Teresa and Bill Kindred, of Edmonton, Kentucky, require their five children to clean up after meals, do yard work, and feed the dog. “The more they do, the less we do, and the more time we have together,” Teresa says.

And once you do assign duties, don’t hang over your kids’ shoulders, making sure that their work is up to your standard. Donna and Dan Gephart, of Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, assign their 6- and 8-year olds the tasks of cleaning their rooms and putting away their laundry. “I’ve realized that as long as they were doing the job, I couldn’t be too particular about how it gets done,” Donna says. “So I let them do it their way.”

Hire whatever help you can afford.

Chris and John Sollami, of Stamford, Connecticut, used to clean their house every Sunday night after their son was in bed. “I’d be in tears with anger and exhaustion” Chris recalls. Finally, the couple decided to hire a cleaning person.

“It’s the best money we’ve ever spent,” Chris says. “Now we relax together on Sunday nights. It’s made an unbelievable difference in our relationship.”

Get choosy about your outside commitments.

Try this trick from Katherine Murray, author of The Working Parents’ Handbook (Park Avenue Productions, 1996): Make a list of all your commitments, and post it by the phone. When you a “Will you volunteer” call, look at that list. “Ask yourself: Is what they are asking something that is as meaningful as what I am already doing or would I be consenting out of guilt and obligation?,” Murray say. If you can’t decide immediately, say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.”

Create a regular child-free zone.

Set aside a block of time for you and your spouse to be alone together on a weekly basis, and defend that space from all trespassers. But don’t feel compelled to do something elaborate or force some deep and meaningful conversation. Just make sure you have uninterrupted time by yourselves.

On weekend evenings, Lisa and Dan Kent, of Alpharetta, Georgia, hire a babysitter to watch their their two kids. “We go to movie or out to dinner,” Lisa says. “It’s never anything big -- just a chance to get out of the house together.”

Or try staying in. Mary and Chad Collins sometimes do. “We’ll send our kids to my mother’s house and just sit home together and savor the peace and quiet,” Mary says.

Realize that less can be more.

You work like a maniac to provide your family with the better things in life -- a nice house, vacations, attractive clothes -- but hardly ever get a chance to enjoy the fruits of your labors. Some soul searching may be in order.

Before moving to Florida several years ago, Donna and Dan Gephart lived in a large, older home that needed constant care. When they relocated, they couple made a conscious decision to find a smaller, less expensive place, which would require far less maintenance. “We used to spend every weekend working on the house,” Dan says. “Between that and dealing with the kids, we were just too tired for each other. Donna’s my best friend, so it was a no-brainer to scale back so we can have more time together.”

Ultimately, as Dr. Sotile observes, where you put your energy is your choice. “Who do you want to be?” he asks. “The person who makes the most money? Who has the fanciest house? Or who has a wonderful marriage? It’s up to you.”

Parents September 2001