1. When thou bakest the holiday goodies, thou will treat thyself to some of the goodly ones and not just to the slightly burnt ones that ye would be too embarrassed to giveth unto others.

2. Yea, though ye walk through the mall on December 24, ye shall not buy any singing fish, nor any pull-my-finger gags, no matter how desperate thou art to find something for thy brother-in-law.

3. When thy child's school doth gear up for another fund-raising sale of holiday wrapping paper, think ye of the thirty-seven unused rolls hiding in your closet--and buy another five rolls as thou always dost.

4. When I regift unto you, and it turns out to be something you gave unto me, lo, these many years ago, just put it away to give unto me again next year. Have faith in this most venerable truth: I will never remember.

5. When I writest the holiday newsletter and proclaim that I have been asked to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, refrain from recalling my memorable turn massacring "Like a Virgin" at the high school talent show.

6. Nor will ye tie onto thy animals reindeer antlers or bells that doth jingle. Thine husband, however, art fair game.

7. Thou shalt not partake in the wearing of the matching mother-daughter outfits until someone figures out how to make the mother not looketh like a veritable idiot.

8. Thou shalt not wear holiday-theme sweaters. Verily, no Santas, Rudolphs, snowmen, nor elves. Especially elves.

9. When thou deck the halls, I say unto you, the tinsel must be placed one strand at a time. Except when thine husband turns his back, then ye may throw it on in clumps and no shame shall be upon ye.

10. Thou shalt gain weight over the holidays. It is the way of all flesh. Get thee over it.

11. I say unto you: No holiday decoration may be put up sooner than two weeks before the Great Day, and all must be taken down before the next Thanksgiving. Verily.

12. When thee and thine husband agree not to exchange of the presents this year, hold this truth most dear: He really isn't going to giveth anything unto you.

13. Thou shalt buy thyself one really great present and open it up in front of the family, exclaiming, "I love it! But there be no card! Who giveth this unto me?" Wait to see if anyone art snarky enough to claim credit.

14. Thou shalt have health, grace, and peace in the new year. Even if thou art an elf.

Good Housekeeping, December 2002