MARRIAGE ADVICE FROM COUPLES WHO WORK TOGETHER
WOMAN’S DAY, April 3, 2001

by Beth Levine

Copyright: Beth Levine, 2004

“I don’t know how you two can stand it,” my friends say, looking around the small home office my husband Bill and I share. Bill and I are both freelance writers. I write books and magazine articles; he writes song lyrics and plays. We are together all day, all night, all week long.

“We just do,” I usually respond. The truth is, Bill and I love our set-up. We enjoy the freedom it gives us to spend time with our son, to set our own schedules and to work in sweats and t-shirts. We like the easy “commute” (down the center stairs, turn left at the living room). We appreciate that we are able to do work that fulfills and stimulates us. But most of all, we really, really like being with one another.

When other couples tell us, “We could never do it without killing each other,” I don’t believe them. I am not so arrogant as to think my marriage is any better than anyone else’s. Rather, we simply have more time and opportunity to work out the kinks, and to get to know and understand each other. Our harmonious relationship is a conscious choice: If we hadn’t found strategies for peaceful coexistence, life would be miserable.

I talked with other couples around the country who work together, to see how they keep their marriages on track. You may not spend as much time with your spouse as they do, but their advice could certainly help strengthen any partnership.

Share a dream or passion.

Every couple I spoke to said that because they were so focused on the bigger picture, they tended not to get upset about smaller disappointments or problems.

Vicki Esralew, 41, and Bob Aren, 50, of Long Grove, Illinois, are the forces behind Vickilew.com, a company devoted to nonviolent, educational children’s toys, software, music and exercise videos. It’s a mission they are both passionate about, but they are just as devoted to their family life

When their first child was born, Bob quit his job to care for him while Vicki started the company. Bib has since joined the Vickilew.com, working while their three children are in school.

“We don’t get bogged down with minor irritations because we are working towards something much larger. We want to be with the kids, we want to create this company. It’s so much easier to get somewhere if you know where you want to go,” says Bob.

“I won’t say it’s been easy. Being in an entrepreneurial relationship together tests everything you are made of. But we have this vision and we are working together toward that. So if the laundry doesn't;t get done or something minor goes wrong at work, it isn’t a big deal,” adds Vicki.

Don’t keep score.

There are times in any marriage when one partner may have to work harder than the other, which can cause hard feelings and anger. But because couples who are in business together can actually see what the other is doing all day, they soon realize that that’s the natural ebb and flow of life, and can let go of their resentment. They know that in the larger scheme of things, they are each doing their fair share.

Paul and Lori Byerly run a landscape irrigation business in Austin, Texas. There are weeks when Paul, 40, is spending the more time out in the brutal Texas heat, and others when Lori, 43, is madly balancing her business responsibilities with taking care of their 10-year-old son.

“We stopped keeping track a long time ago because it’s not worth the energy. I may have worked harder this week but she had a tough week before that. We’re a team, not adversaries trying to outwit each other,” says Paul.

Communicate clearly and often.

Here’s a stumbling block that trips up many couples. One partner expects the other to pick up on facial cues, or loud sighs, or perform mindreading tricks. Any business that relied on that kind of communication would soon fail, and so will a marriage.

Even though they work together at TheKnot.com, the wedding Web site they founded in 1996, Carley Roney, 32, and David Liu, 34, make sure that they set aside time to talk uninterrupted. They use their morning car ride from Brooklyn Heights, New York, to their Manhattan office to touch base. They also set up other meetings whenever they can.

“Our lives are so busy, we need to be very clear with one another. We can’t be coy and we can’t tune out,” says Carley. “It’s something we’ve had to learn over the years -- not to assume where the other is coming from, and to be able to really engage in listening.”

Find solutions, not fault.

John and Heather Profetto, of Milford, Connecticut live life at full tilt. With the Rainbow Gardens Inn,a bed and breakfast, restaurant and catering business, and the parents of two young boys, they know there is no time for laying blame when things go wrong.

“We are resourceful people. When there is a problem we cut immediately to ‘Okay, how are we going to fix this?’,” says Heather, 36.

For example, when an intricate three-layer wedding cake had flattened to one layer on the trip to the reception, they didn’t waste a minute trying to figure out whose fault it was. Instead, they both sprang into action and managed to recreate the confection, with no one the wiser. “I knew we’d find a way. We have a positive approach to everything,” says John, 38.

Play to each other’s strengths.

Each couple says that they have very clearly defined roles at the business and at home. Although they are flexible about it -- if one needs help, the other is quick to lend a helping hand -- each partner knows what his or her domain is, and that within that domain, he or she has the final word.

More important, roles are not assigned arbitrarily or based on gender stereotypes. The couples have figured out who is the best at a given task and let that person take over.

Nick and Gretchen Gabrielli, own Old Biscayne Designs, a manufacturer of wood and metal furniture in Americus, Georgia. Nick, 41, likes the challenges of finances and production; Gretchen, 39, enjoys the interaction of customer service. Gretchen also takes on more responsibility for their family. “I like what I do, and would never want to do what he does, and vice-versa. We discuss each other’s work all day long, but we each have the final decision for our respective areas,” says Gretchen.

The roles are not written in stone, however. As the business grows and their children get older, the Gabriellis have learned to adapt and change. Nick adds, “We both have weak and strong places, and we try to share that and complement one another. Because our ultimate goal is not our business but our life together. It’s learning to adapt to the needs of the other person, and realizing what your needs are.”

Explore together.

Mitch Weiss, 49, and Martha Hamilton, 48, of Ithaca, New York, are always on the lookout for new adventures. As the professional storytellers “Beauty and the Beast” (they never reveal who is the Beauty and who is the Beast), Mitch and Martha have performed at schools all over the world. They’ve brought their workshops and performances to such places as Bulgaria, Croatia, Russia, Italy and Greece.

“Life never gets stale for us because we both have a sense of play and fun,” says Martha

Even in their private lives, they like the thrill of the new. They have made a pact that every year on their anniversary, they have to try one thing they’ve never done before. In yeas past, they’ve flown in a glider and attended a Tina Turner concert, for example. But it doesn’t always have to be that exotic. It can be something as simple as trying a new restaurant and seeking out a beautiful garden in the next town.

“We’re just naturally curious people. We both find it exciting and interesting to explore and try new things, and it’s that much more fun that we can share it with each other,” Weiss observes.

Show appreciation.

Married couples tend to excel at jumping on each other when something goes wrong, but they often forget to show appreciation when something goes right.

Carla and Ron Dupuis, of New Gloucester, Maine, work together at the same company, Fairchild Semiconductor. Since they’re both aware of the pressure involved in the job, they are quick to give each other those much needed pats on the back. Ron helps out around the house more than usual if Carla is having a really bad week at work and Carla does the same for him.

“We are always sure to say thank you for doing something either asked or unasked. We also buy each other small gifts, like a new issue of a favorite magazine or a book, just to show that we are grateful for each other’s efforts,” says Carla, 38.

Adds Ron, 39, “I’ve know Carla for 20 years but in all that time, I don’t think we’ve ever taken each other for granted. We try to treat each other as kindly as the day we met.”

Web site design: Jerold Goldstein